wow Rachael that's a lot. I'm so sorry you And your son went through this. it's amazing what our minds can do to us and we don't even know it's happening. thanks for sharing your story. can't wait to hear more!
He made it to the other side…and I’m so grateful. Watching him become his own man, illness and anxiety free has been as liberating for me as it has been for him. So proud of that kid!!
Rachel, I sincerely apologize. You were a guiding light for your child. Thank God you trusted your instincts and persisted. Your journey was filled with anxiety for both of you. I must admit, I was deeply upset reading about your little boy suffering physically and mentally. Yes, I cried because children are helpless. All they can do is express that they're unwell, and ultimately, it's in God’s hands. 🙏😢
I cried too. Both when I was in it and again while I was writing it. Bittersweet memories. Bonding with your sick child on the bathroom floor trying to distract his mind with absolutely anything including counting tiles….but, also knowing something was desperately wrong and not able to stop it for him made me feel so powerless.
He’s so good now, though. My absolute pride and joy. He turned out to be an incredibly kind and empathetic young man. He learned a lot then, too.
Reading this, I felt that familiar place of the body knowing before anything else catches up.
And also that moment no one prepares you for, when you realise you cannot protect your child from what is happening inside them.
I had that with my own son when he was fifteen. The anxiety overwhelmed him, and I could not stop it. I could not fix it.
That was the hardest part.
But ten years later, he is grown, strong, and wiser. I understand something now that I did not then. While I could not protect him in the moment, I could stay with him in it. I could help him learn how to manage it. I could help him build resilience, piece by piece.
Your line, “I didn’t need to be right, but I needed him to trust me,” really stayed with me.
Because that trust, that staying, that quiet persistence, is what carries them through.
I agree. I will be forever bonded with my son because of those years. And to see him finally push back against it and find his way has been one of the highlights of my life. Knowing that he will know how to navigate hard things, but, also is able to ask for help when he needs it is priceless.
I’m so happy that your son was also able to move past a difficult time and that you recognized it in him. Sometimes the only thing you can do it sit with them through it.
Wow Rachael, I am so glad it was finally discovered and he is doing so much better. I will not comment on husbands because I had one and his mother to match.
My daughter had a very similar situation. It started with separation anxiety, as a toddler, which I admit, I did not address like I should have. I thought all toddlers got it and did not realize that Jacqueline's was any worse than any other kids.
Then, in 5th grade she started throwing up, every morning when she got to school. I started adjusting her breakfasts (no milk, her dad is lactose intolerant) and giving her things that I thought would be easier on her stomach. Her dad and I were already divorced at this point. She would vomit 2-3 times per week. The adjustments in food weren't working, and she said nothing was bothering her.
Finally, one day, the principal called and said he believed that he thought it was something more and wanted me to come in. I scheduled a meeting with him; the guidance counselor and they finally had Jac come down. After a series of questions and determining it was not a bullying situation, I scheduled with the pediatrician, which showed a clean bill of health. It was anxiety.
Same thing, we started counseling and when they asked if she had shown signs of anxiety as a baby or toddler I felt like a failure. Within six months, Jac had learned coping mechanisms to handle anxious moments, and it stopped.
Her dad and grandma still believe I babied here. I do not care. She's 24 now, opened her own business last year. She still calls me every day, but she bothers her fiance more now.
She just needed some tools in her toolbox. I didn’t see the anxiety at first either. It was so frustrating watching him get so sick and not knowing why. And I did see the anxiety….the obsessive hand washing, being afraid to sleep because it always came on at night, the school avoidance …but, I think I lacked language for it at that point. I knew he was scared. I just didn’t know it was literally ripping him apart.
Thank goodness that part of his journey is over. And Jac seems like she’s grown into an amazing woman. That….that is on you!!❤️
Every tale only reinforces what you already know. Time to get out. That's neglect, and really the only reason I can even understand it is knowing the troubles your husband was/is going through. Thank goodness you were present and had the love and compassion to do what was right, to not just meekly nod and stand down but take the initiative to go and do what you knew to be right. And the best part is your kids will never forget that mom was there, mom took care of things and mom is always going to be there.
Thank you, Shannon. I will admit that standing up for myself has never been my strong suit. But, mess with my kid? Mama bear will come out full force. I don’t even know who she is, honestly, because I would never fight for myself the way I would for my kid. All of this has been for them…because my parents weren’t great. And I never wanted that for my kids….my boys know where their bread is buttered.
I've been increasingly aware of how "Gen X" I am over the last few weeks. I watch videos and think, "Yep, that's me," or listen to people talk and I nod in complete understanding, or follow how we grew up alone and how half of us (or more) really need therapy (probably myself included though I continue to deny it). If there's one thing most of us share, it's that momma/mama bear (and papa bear) feelings for our kids. We were forced to grow alone but our kids should never go through what we had to.
And, that, my friend, is exactly it. We were really on our own. The boomer generation created a lot of wealth for themselves, but, the relationships with their children didn’t carry. Not all of them, but, an overwhelming majority. We became hyper vigilant over our kids for this reason.
This was painful to read because of my own experiences with hyperemesis. Mine came in adult life as a result of my addictions. I was hospitalized twice for it. Yes, you ABSOLUTELY need those meds and IV, or you can die of dehydration! Shame on your husband for discouraging you from taking your kid in!
Horrible to imagine a child going through that; it is such torture. As a child I did have a few episodes of losing my mind to fever; this piece brought those memories back, too.
Your husband really annoys me, I must say, with his recurring denialism. Your kids are lucky to have had one parent who remained tuned in.
Thanks Adam. He annoys me too. That made me laugh.
I’m sorry you have had a rough time with your health. The brain/gut connection is rough. We actually have a family history of migraines on my side. The doctors think that’s where it started. Most children with CVS do grow out of it, thank goodness. Usually it turns into regular migraines as an adult. We aren’t there yet. I’m hoping that it doesn’t. He’s been through enough. But, yes, psychologically he was so afraid of it happening again that he was causing it to happen. Your mind is far more powerful than you realize.
Thank you for continuing to read. And I’m hoping that you have overcome your illness and better days are ahead. I know you have had a rough time of it.
Oh God, the migraines, too, I’ve been having them since childhood.
Things to be grateful for in the midst of all the hell I’ve been experiencing:
Perhaps I did choose the wrong country, but at least I got out of the USA. And I did need to leave in order to stop smoking weed.
The hell of food revulsion — being horrified by eating in the midst of hunger — vanished once I left the USA, and even in the midst of the extreme stress I’ve been having, it has never returned.
I don’t need a frickin’ doctor’s visit to get the meds I need now. I just walk into a pharmacy and pay pennies on the dollar compared to what I used to. The healthcare system is absolutely one of the worst things about life in the USA.
What country do you live in now? And yes, from what I’ve read, the food here is revolting. I’ve never lived anywhere else, so, I’ve never known anything else, but, I will say that when I was in Italy for a month, I’ve never felt better….
I'm in Mauritius. My whole blog here is about my move and struggles on the island, with occasional flashbacks to earlier parts of my life woven in.
My food revulsion wasn't about the quality of the food; even my own cooking could trigger the horror. It's the opposite of the pleasure one should get from eating. But getting really good in Turkey on the way over here may have helped reawaken that bit of joie de vivre.
I promise I will read your posts!! I’m so slow at getting to everyone….this thing called a job really gets in the way. You will know when I get to your page…promise.
I started out writing posts every few days and keeping an ongoing narrative. That broke down after a while; I found my situation overwhelming and suddenly very difficult to write about. I stopped the ongoing narrative and only wrote when my ideas were very specific and the need to write became overwhelming.
Now I intend to write up the entire story of the last six months and then serialize it, so it will probably be a long time before I write another Post. In the meantime I’m just writing Notes that I may or may not include in the longer narrative.
I think the best Posts I’ve written here are Anti-Nostalgia and The Mirror. But strangely enough, equally popular here seem to the completely unedited transcriptions of video recordings in which I just spoke spontaneously. https://substack.com/@greenwanderer/p-183082518
wow Rachael that's a lot. I'm so sorry you And your son went through this. it's amazing what our minds can do to us and we don't even know it's happening. thanks for sharing your story. can't wait to hear more!
He made it to the other side…and I’m so grateful. Watching him become his own man, illness and anxiety free has been as liberating for me as it has been for him. So proud of that kid!!
Rachel, I sincerely apologize. You were a guiding light for your child. Thank God you trusted your instincts and persisted. Your journey was filled with anxiety for both of you. I must admit, I was deeply upset reading about your little boy suffering physically and mentally. Yes, I cried because children are helpless. All they can do is express that they're unwell, and ultimately, it's in God’s hands. 🙏😢
I cried too. Both when I was in it and again while I was writing it. Bittersweet memories. Bonding with your sick child on the bathroom floor trying to distract his mind with absolutely anything including counting tiles….but, also knowing something was desperately wrong and not able to stop it for him made me feel so powerless.
He’s so good now, though. My absolute pride and joy. He turned out to be an incredibly kind and empathetic young man. He learned a lot then, too.
Reading this, I felt that familiar place of the body knowing before anything else catches up.
And also that moment no one prepares you for, when you realise you cannot protect your child from what is happening inside them.
I had that with my own son when he was fifteen. The anxiety overwhelmed him, and I could not stop it. I could not fix it.
That was the hardest part.
But ten years later, he is grown, strong, and wiser. I understand something now that I did not then. While I could not protect him in the moment, I could stay with him in it. I could help him learn how to manage it. I could help him build resilience, piece by piece.
Your line, “I didn’t need to be right, but I needed him to trust me,” really stayed with me.
Because that trust, that staying, that quiet persistence, is what carries them through.
I agree. I will be forever bonded with my son because of those years. And to see him finally push back against it and find his way has been one of the highlights of my life. Knowing that he will know how to navigate hard things, but, also is able to ask for help when he needs it is priceless.
I’m so happy that your son was also able to move past a difficult time and that you recognized it in him. Sometimes the only thing you can do it sit with them through it.
Wow Rachael, I am so glad it was finally discovered and he is doing so much better. I will not comment on husbands because I had one and his mother to match.
My daughter had a very similar situation. It started with separation anxiety, as a toddler, which I admit, I did not address like I should have. I thought all toddlers got it and did not realize that Jacqueline's was any worse than any other kids.
Then, in 5th grade she started throwing up, every morning when she got to school. I started adjusting her breakfasts (no milk, her dad is lactose intolerant) and giving her things that I thought would be easier on her stomach. Her dad and I were already divorced at this point. She would vomit 2-3 times per week. The adjustments in food weren't working, and she said nothing was bothering her.
Finally, one day, the principal called and said he believed that he thought it was something more and wanted me to come in. I scheduled a meeting with him; the guidance counselor and they finally had Jac come down. After a series of questions and determining it was not a bullying situation, I scheduled with the pediatrician, which showed a clean bill of health. It was anxiety.
Same thing, we started counseling and when they asked if she had shown signs of anxiety as a baby or toddler I felt like a failure. Within six months, Jac had learned coping mechanisms to handle anxious moments, and it stopped.
Her dad and grandma still believe I babied here. I do not care. She's 24 now, opened her own business last year. She still calls me every day, but she bothers her fiance more now.
She just needed some tools in her toolbox. I didn’t see the anxiety at first either. It was so frustrating watching him get so sick and not knowing why. And I did see the anxiety….the obsessive hand washing, being afraid to sleep because it always came on at night, the school avoidance …but, I think I lacked language for it at that point. I knew he was scared. I just didn’t know it was literally ripping him apart.
Thank goodness that part of his journey is over. And Jac seems like she’s grown into an amazing woman. That….that is on you!!❤️
Every tale only reinforces what you already know. Time to get out. That's neglect, and really the only reason I can even understand it is knowing the troubles your husband was/is going through. Thank goodness you were present and had the love and compassion to do what was right, to not just meekly nod and stand down but take the initiative to go and do what you knew to be right. And the best part is your kids will never forget that mom was there, mom took care of things and mom is always going to be there.
Looking forward to the next one!
Thank you, Shannon. I will admit that standing up for myself has never been my strong suit. But, mess with my kid? Mama bear will come out full force. I don’t even know who she is, honestly, because I would never fight for myself the way I would for my kid. All of this has been for them…because my parents weren’t great. And I never wanted that for my kids….my boys know where their bread is buttered.
I've been increasingly aware of how "Gen X" I am over the last few weeks. I watch videos and think, "Yep, that's me," or listen to people talk and I nod in complete understanding, or follow how we grew up alone and how half of us (or more) really need therapy (probably myself included though I continue to deny it). If there's one thing most of us share, it's that momma/mama bear (and papa bear) feelings for our kids. We were forced to grow alone but our kids should never go through what we had to.
And, that, my friend, is exactly it. We were really on our own. The boomer generation created a lot of wealth for themselves, but, the relationships with their children didn’t carry. Not all of them, but, an overwhelming majority. We became hyper vigilant over our kids for this reason.
This was painful to read because of my own experiences with hyperemesis. Mine came in adult life as a result of my addictions. I was hospitalized twice for it. Yes, you ABSOLUTELY need those meds and IV, or you can die of dehydration! Shame on your husband for discouraging you from taking your kid in!
Horrible to imagine a child going through that; it is such torture. As a child I did have a few episodes of losing my mind to fever; this piece brought those memories back, too.
Your husband really annoys me, I must say, with his recurring denialism. Your kids are lucky to have had one parent who remained tuned in.
Thanks Adam. He annoys me too. That made me laugh.
I’m sorry you have had a rough time with your health. The brain/gut connection is rough. We actually have a family history of migraines on my side. The doctors think that’s where it started. Most children with CVS do grow out of it, thank goodness. Usually it turns into regular migraines as an adult. We aren’t there yet. I’m hoping that it doesn’t. He’s been through enough. But, yes, psychologically he was so afraid of it happening again that he was causing it to happen. Your mind is far more powerful than you realize.
Thank you for continuing to read. And I’m hoping that you have overcome your illness and better days are ahead. I know you have had a rough time of it.
Oh God, the migraines, too, I’ve been having them since childhood.
Things to be grateful for in the midst of all the hell I’ve been experiencing:
Perhaps I did choose the wrong country, but at least I got out of the USA. And I did need to leave in order to stop smoking weed.
The hell of food revulsion — being horrified by eating in the midst of hunger — vanished once I left the USA, and even in the midst of the extreme stress I’ve been having, it has never returned.
I don’t need a frickin’ doctor’s visit to get the meds I need now. I just walk into a pharmacy and pay pennies on the dollar compared to what I used to. The healthcare system is absolutely one of the worst things about life in the USA.
What country do you live in now? And yes, from what I’ve read, the food here is revolting. I’ve never lived anywhere else, so, I’ve never known anything else, but, I will say that when I was in Italy for a month, I’ve never felt better….
I'm in Mauritius. My whole blog here is about my move and struggles on the island, with occasional flashbacks to earlier parts of my life woven in.
My food revulsion wasn't about the quality of the food; even my own cooking could trigger the horror. It's the opposite of the pleasure one should get from eating. But getting really good in Turkey on the way over here may have helped reawaken that bit of joie de vivre.
I promise I will read your posts!! I’m so slow at getting to everyone….this thing called a job really gets in the way. You will know when I get to your page…promise.
I’d love to know what you think.
I started out writing posts every few days and keeping an ongoing narrative. That broke down after a while; I found my situation overwhelming and suddenly very difficult to write about. I stopped the ongoing narrative and only wrote when my ideas were very specific and the need to write became overwhelming.
Now I intend to write up the entire story of the last six months and then serialize it, so it will probably be a long time before I write another Post. In the meantime I’m just writing Notes that I may or may not include in the longer narrative.
I think the best Posts I’ve written here are Anti-Nostalgia and The Mirror. But strangely enough, equally popular here seem to the completely unedited transcriptions of video recordings in which I just spoke spontaneously. https://substack.com/@greenwanderer/p-183082518
Powerful and courageous sharing. Im sorry you and your son gad to go through all of this. I’m sure your story will help others.